CONVERSATIONS WITH RAJ
FEBRUARY - MARCH 1992
VOL. 8, NOS. 2 & 3
My Present Presence
QUESTION: We have all loved, appreciated, and cherished the communion we have had in the private conversations, and have felt the great love and all the other wonderful things that go along with that. What would you suggest as a substitute for what we have valued so much, and the feeling that went along with all the appreciated help and communion and sharing during our conversations?
It is as if without being able to speak to you through Paul, we cannot quite access that same feeling which was so satisfying and meaningful. I miss the Meaningfulness to the degree that I have an ache in my heart of home-sickness. Please help, because it hurts. J.N. Bothell, Washington
RAJ: I am going to tell you something: Your apparent loss is your gain! The push is on, and the symptoms you have described are the desire within you, which constitutes the "giving of permission" that is necessary in order for communion to be experienced directly. When I say, "the push is on," I mean that We—those who are Awake—stand at the threshold of your conscious awareness actively supporting your recognition of our presence.
Your missing me in the form of Paul conveying what I am saying to you constitutes an active real awareness that I am present to be heard, and not just a figure out of the past to be remembered. Thus, your desire is supported by a conviction in my present Presence. I am alive to you in 1992. That I exist to be heard is not religious fantasy to you, and thus your subconscious does not argue against and block our direct communion.
I know you think you cannot do it—that for some reason you simply will not be able to hear me, or your Guide. But, I will tell you something: The inertia to such communion has been overcome. Not just with you, but with everyone! And a little bit of willingness, together with my Intent to commune with you directly, assures the success of our conscious connection.
Your desire to experience the Love that is the nature of communion, your longing for it—together with the fact that you have experienced it—is the one essential element. Now you must let it happen.
What I want you to know is that our conscious communion is inevitable! Do not look at it as something available through Paul. Rather, acknowledge that it is something available through the center of your Being, with no betweenness in which a barrier to communion can be lodged.
I cannot stress strongly enough that the longing you feel is the key to our communion. Do not resent that it is there. Your ego may tell you that it is an experience of lack, of loss, of grief, and then tell you to overcome it. To the contrary, feel it! It is desire. Desire rooted in experience. In feeling it, you justify the experience again, with conviction! Then, simply allow it to happen. Allow yourself to be filled—not only with the Meaningfulness of our presence (yours and mine), but with the Knowing that answers your questions and leads you in your process of Awakening.
Paul's part in all of this was never to be the bridge to your Knowing, but rather the bridge over your ignorance of my present Presence, and of our relationship of equality, which makes it unjustifiable for us to coexist in an unconscious relationship.
Your longing is the motive and the motivation needed to break through the veil of separation which the ego has convinced you is real, when in actuality the veil is just the absence of curiosity where curiosity is justified.
You have not been abandoned. I stand closer than where you are looking—in the center of You—and I have not been struck dumb, and you have not been struck deaf. And, as one of your comediennes has said, I say, "Can we talk?"
Listen Beyond the Ego Frame of Reference
PA UL: You understand the situation here?
RAJ: Yes, Paul, I do. You are both looking for meaning where it is not. I mean by that, in old patterns and forms—in the old, tiny sandbox—and you are in the new territory.
PAUL: Raj, this sounds and feels as though it's likely to be my ego and not you at all.
RAJ: Paul, that is an avoidance. It is easy to disqualify what I am saying by the assumption that it must just be your ego, but, indeed, I am saying what is being said. Waking up means a real shift! It means not operating according to the old protocols, the old landmarks, the old substantiators of stability.
Now, when you are speaking with me, you are experiencing peace, and the peace you are experiencing has nothing to do with old landmarks or history. In fact, it seems to be without any reason for being, and this doesn't make sense to the old analytical, conclusionary thinking processes. You are having to learn how to live with peace that is not justifiable—where its presence cannot be attributed to anything you are doing—and this is very difficult for the ego to take. But it is the Reality. The peace is because God is All, and not because of anything a separated little personality has accomplished.
You think I moved you into the new territory, but it is your own eyes that are opening and seeing more of the territory as it is, and I am simply confirming it to you, or telling you when you are not on target. It does no good to kick and bite and scream and wail and indulge in sorrow, because you have gotten bigger. You don't fit in the smaller garments of your beliefs.
It doesn't matter if you don't like it, because it isn't You who doesn't like it. You and Sue are the ones opening your eyes, and you are the ones who are seeing with the freedom that comes from the absence of limited vision. You are going to have to embrace Reality on the terms that God is being It—as is everyone else—without the opportunity to take credit for it.
In effect, I tell you what you are going to have for dinner before you have had the opportunity to think of it yourself, and it takes away that little bit of pride and feeling of self-confidence and competence. The ego says, "Why prepare the meal if it can't even be your idea or your discovery?" But, you see, all that does is to substantiate a private tiny sense of "competent self." That is exactly what inhibits you from experiencing infinity, experiencing your Self, which is the Presence and Activity of God—we could say the Mind of God.
The ego says, "Oh, you're just making me a pawn in God's game. You are making me inconsequential—an effect, not a cause." But until you see that you are an effect, and only an effect, only a manifestation of the Movement of God—until you have that experience, you cannot find that the effect or manifestation of God embodies That which is causative in God, since the manifestation of God is not partial.
There is the lingering insistence upon being in charge, being responsible, being the initiator of something. These are the things, which gave you a sense of identity. But they constitute your bondage, which you are being beyond at this point. It is doubly, triply important to continue to stay with me and to stay with the flow, even though your egos are balking and angry, and resistant to that which it calls insanity.
Now, there is much to do—not in the sense of obligation or responsibility, but in terms of the Movement of Being. But the ego says it wants it on its terms when you can only have it on God's terms. It is time for the temper tantrum to cease. But you cannot make it stop. You can only choose not to invest your attentive energy in the ego, which is throwing the tantrum, and rather ask, as you have been doing, and share what is experienced as a result. In doing this more and more consistently, you will begin to find that the old landmarks and definitions which the ego needed for its identity are not desirable, not anything you would want, because their presence inhibits the greater flow of your Being.
Now, you will do things like eat, sleep, mail packages, type, go to the bathroom and take a shower. But you will no longer be able to draw a sense of your worth, of your credibility, of your Integrity, from those actions. That is not what constitutes the homing beacon. In fact, that is what obstructs it from your conscious awareness. Indeed, it would be a thousand times harder for you to do this with all of the former structural landmarks—and I'm speaking of belief structures, here, which were so much a part of your old geographical territory and associations [meaning in Bellingham, Washington].
Your tatters are not even lying on the ground that you are standing upon from which you could pick them up and put them back on. That is the miracle. But the ego complains because that which made it feel comfortable and secure is unavailable, and it says, "Unfair! Unfair! Dirty dealing! Unkind! Inconsiderate! Cruel!" But, you gave permission. You desired, and you gave permission. And you grew!
All of You is always present. All of You is always functioning. All of You is always available. You desired, and more of the All of You has, we will say, transitioned into your conscious awareness. But it doesn't fit the old criteria!
You are not lost. You are just not grounded in your ego to the degree that you once were. There is no lack of stability in terms of experience, which would indicate ungroundedness. It's just that the old sense of purpose doesn't fit, doesn't make sense in the new territory of your Being that you are accessing, experiencing.
Peace. No sirens. No hustle bustle. No sense of great purpose and commerce. No presence of competition. No chaos. But your ego finds that meaningless. It doesn't make sense, because it seems to lack purpose. All it lacks is ego purpose. There is no way you can look around yourself and see an absence of divine Purpose. It is just that it is so utterly simple, so utterly uncomplicated, that it seems to lack meaning. "Give us a little conflict so that we know we're alive." Not even your "problems" are experiences of conflict any more. They aren't aggressive. They are subtler levels of "disturbance."
There will never be a return to the old sense of purpose. That is a miracle! But not the ego's definition of a miracle. I will tell you that the ego's definition of "purpose" is such a coercive, manipulative expression of will that it is impossible to experience, the Purpose of God, the Purpose of Being, for which no one and no thing is responsible—no finite one, no finite thing—but God, already being it all perfectly.
The ego can't take Reality, because It is too simple. It is too beautiful. It is too much of a gift! It is too complete. It is too unchallenging. It is too unsatisfying because it leaves no room for achievement.
Let it be very clear to you: The gift of All, received, constitutes the absolute end of achievement, of accomplishing. It constitutes the end of what you have thought the word "purpose" meant. And it is imperative that you not get caught up in a sense of purpose as you begin to travel. This place [Kauai] is a haven for you, in which you are being able to shift gears and find your Integrity in your peace and in your joy, rather than in your accomplishments, or your sense of divine purpose, or in forms of etiquette in relating to others who are seeing you as a means of becoming better accomplishers. We have had this "extended period of time" so that you might become deeply anchored in your peace as an interminable experience, so that you might begin to value it enough not to be seduced when you begin to travel.
Your peace is your landmark. Do look around you so that you can see that it is your experience as far as you can see, and that part of the utter simplicity is the naturalness of everything, and the tendency of that which is natural to dominate and override unnaturalness, artificiality.
Everyone experiences the Kingdom of Heaven as a cocoon in the initial stages of Its experience. Not because It is actually tiny, but because It doesn't involve any of the ego's definitions of "greatness" and "success." These are the measures of "largeness" to the ego. These are the ego's equivalent of infinity—all based around "accomplishment." The less successful you are, the tinier you are, the smaller you are, the more inconsequential you are, the more meaningless you are. And when you are in the absence of what the ego uses as the equivalent of infinity, infinity seems to be small—wonderfully, beautifully, peacefully small—and therefore, what could be conceived to be a cocoon, an enclosure. But then enclosure is constituted of infinite substance, infinite Meaning, and, of course, ultimately, infinite Purpose—Purpose that permeates every single bit of infinity, because the Father's Purpose is not withheld from the Meaning of everything.
So, in your apparent process of opening your eyes, of Awakening, the former definitions of greatness or largeness—of "infinity"—that the ego saw, and thought it could embrace and control, are lost. And you must pay attention in a new way to the nature of the peace and the nature of the simplicity, so that its substance may be seen as infinite and Purposeful, since it is the Purpose of the Father, it is the Movement of the Father, and it is the Movement of what constitutes true Individuality. Individuality is not a thing, but a movement—the Movement of God.
So, you are grounded. But you are not grounded in concepts, and you are not grounded in the past. You are grounded in the Flow. You are grounded in the Movement of your Being, the Nature of Which is peace and beauty and harmony and joy! But the ego says, "There's nothing joyful about this! My very existence is dependent upon my capacity to overcome limits, and conquer the universe."
Now, if you are feeling, Paul, as though you have lost your job because you are no longer doing the private conversations, I want you to imagine what the ego is feeling in the discovery that its whole existence is nothing!
Your existence is embracing more because you are not insisting upon conquering more, accumulating more. And the same applies to you, also, Susan. You see, if you are listening in the language of limitation, you will not hear and experience the gift of the Father, which is in the language of unlimitedness. And thus it will seem as though there is no gift being made, until you listen beyond the ego frame of reference.
Now, you know this. You are familiar with the words. But you are having difficulty with the experience of your greater capacity to be aware divinely, because there is the tendency to look for the old landmarks, the old definitions, the old sense of purpose.
Purposelessness, as the ego defines it, must be moved through in order to experience Purpose. You must go from a high sense of ego purpose to an apparently low level of ego purposelessness before the Father's Purpose can seem desirable enough to give permission to let It in. The undoing of the ego is not a happy thing for the ego, but it is essential to your Awakening.
Look at what you have been experiencing. Look at where you have been as the ego's sense of purpose has crumbled. And you tell me whether it is really such an awful experience—this beauty and this simple naturalness and this peace. And each one who gives permission for his or her Being to promote the crumbling of the ego, will find himself or herself being where the beauty and the harmony and the simplicity and the peace and the joy are obvious, wherever they are on the globe.
A Sense of Loss and a Belief of Distance
SUSAN: What is this "grey fog" that I have been waking up into these last two mornings?
RAJ: It is a sense of disconnection between Idea and manifestation—or what has been called "thought and action." Except that we are not talking, here, about thought as the product of thinking. We are talking about Idea and manifestation—the Movement of Mind, which is God and the infinite visibility and tangibility of that Movement. They—the Movement and the visibility of that Movement—are not two different things, seemingly capable of being at odds with each other. They are inseparable.
Purpose unexpressed is nonexistent Purpose. If one succeeds in overriding or ignoring visibility and tangibility, then the experience of That of which it is the visibility seems to become absent—not available as a conscious experience.
Now, at this time the movement—and, yes, I will say the movement of this work—involves what might be called leg work rather than head work. Or, at least, it might seem that is where the emphasis is. But, I will tell you that it amounts to being absolutely appropriate in the expression of the Movement of the Father, the Movement of fulfillment of Purpose.
The bridge must be provided that allows for movement across the little gap. And it is not an unholy work to build or provide the bridge, even though, while building it, it seems as though there is a temporary suspension of forward movement. So, there is a sense of loss of purpose here—a disconnection between Idea and manifestation.
Purpose is not absent. And the Father's Will is not unexpressed.
SUSAN: What are you talking about? Again, this is a continuation of things that don't connect. What are you talking about?
RAJ: I am talking about a belief that there is a meaningful activity called "being present with me," and an unmeaningful activity called "actions in the world." But they are not separable. They are absolutely unified. And doing the things that need to be done in the office are like washing and folding the diapers for the baby so that they are ready and available when they are needed. They are part of the flow of the meaning of care.
SUSAN: What is the fear and tension about? And, is it mine?
RAJ: No, Susan, the fear is not yours. Generally speaking, it is a fear of what will be heard. A fear of what is coming next, and that it will not compute with what was conceived to be desirable. The reluctance to hear what may be coming next is coming from those who have perceived a relationship with me through Paul—that, indeed, they will be required to do what Paul has done. They will have to listen directly.
As much as they have thoroughly enjoyed and valued connecting with me directly through Paul—the fear is that if they do it directly within themselves, they will be required to sacrifice. This is a misconception, because the direct experience of me within is not different from the direct experience of me through Paul. Nevertheless, they abandon me in the face of their fear, and then feel abandoned by me because the avenue they have enjoyed through Paul is no longer available.
But, you see, their connection with me has been forever altered by virtue of their experience with Paul and me. I am no longer a vague, general, nor even historic entity whom they can believe is there, even though they have had no specific experience of me. They have had a specific experience. I am, you could say, vitally alive in the now. And, as I said, that has forever changed their prior beliefs about me, and the sense of my distance from them.
There will be little temper tantrums here and there, and more predominantly there will be a sense of loss and a belief of distance. But their experience with me has proven me to be too actively present for that sense to persist, and they will move through their sadness and begin, with more confidence than they could have in the past, to reach out to me and experience the connection, the communion.
Now, you and Paul have moved through that years ago, just as you moved through the point of emancipation when you moved out of your parents' households. When your children arrived at the point of their emancipation from your household, it was not necessary for you to anguish or struggle along with them as they gave permission for their self-sufficiency to be uncovered in their lives. Likewise, it is not necessary for you to anguish with those who are experiencing their shift to direct communion with me.
So, no, this fear is not yours. And the tension occasioned by the fear does not make it yours, even though it seems to be a specific experience, physically speaking.
SUSAN: But, I'm feeling a loss of those who have joined in communion with you through Paul. I am feeling, well, like they have gone away from me. What could you say about that? I thought it said in the Course...to just join with you is not enough. It's then to extend it to our brothers, that they may also share in the gift of Who we Are. So, I'm confused. I'm not so much feeling a loss of you, Raj, but a loss of the wonderful essence that I have felt in my brothers as they have opened up in communion with you. Could you please explain or help?
RAJ: Well, I'm going to put it in a very simple way, here. You have, on many occasions, been thanked by those attending workshops and those having conversations, for sharing Paul with them; that, indeed, many wives would want their husbands to be devoted to them. Now it is time for those who have had a rather devoted relationship with Paul—I mean by that that Paul has been devoted exclusively to a limited number of people—to give up that devoted relationship in order to share Paul with everyone else. And there is a certain degree of selfishness that is having to be abandoned. Not that they intended to be selfish, but simply because there was no call for greater sharing, and so everyone became comfortable with the dependability of their being able to be "with" Paul.
Now, there is a flip side to this coin: As everyone begins to be more consciously connected with their Being, they will find themselves experiencing connection with more of the Brotherhood. Their attention will be less exclusive. It will not revolve solely around their immediate family, or their particular group, or their particular church, or their particular city or nation.
You will find that as you open up in this respect, you will not lose those whom you have embraced, but there will be added unto them, more. And so there will be more meaningful connection. It is just that the particular form of relationship that has existed, which has been intimate in the sense of it not having to be shared so broadly with everyone, will have to be abandoned for the larger sharing in which no actual loss will occur. The more everyone gets, the more each one gets! The more everyone is embraced, the more each one is embraced. This is the nature of what I will call the divine calculus of Being, which makes no sense to the ego whatsoever.
SUSAN: May I just say that I finally have heard the good news, and truly, deeply feel and know how my abundance has increased by sharing Paul with others. I certainly gained all and lost nothing.
A Tired Tradition of Mortality
QUESTION: In your opening remarks, you made several references to "the church," which I haven't noted before in your talks. What do you mean by "the church"?
RAJ: Any and all religious systems which one tends to blindly serve, and to which one looks for the authority for his thinking, for his concepts, for his means of defining his world, rather than daring to be quiet enough and attentive enough and curious enough to discover the world for himself.
The world is benign, I will tell you. The world is benign! It is the direct expression of God. But when you hold this world and universe to be material, to be of that which has no connection to God, when you hold it to be a level of experience that one must wake up out of into the spiritual life, you hold the Kingdom of Heaven in contempt.
Your attitude is an attack, because you are judging [the world] negatively. You are treating it as though it is incompatible with you and with what is real. You are denying it, and you are attempting to rise above it. That is attack! That is not love. You project your negative perception on [the world] and it colors every perception you have of it, and it seems to reflect back to you your negative perception, which seems to justify your judgment, and calls for you to continue to even more firmly hold it in contempt.
I will say this: There is not one single religion on the face of your globe, which does not hold your planet in contempt. I will tell you also that one of the reasons I am speaking in this fashion at this time is because the one single document that is present on the face of your planet that could have helped move one beyond the act of holding your planet in contempt—and that document is A Course in Miracles—is beginning to buckle, and become interpreted as a continuing justification for holding your world and universe and body in contempt. That is not its message. And if [the message] becomes buried in that concept, just as all other revelatory religious teachings have, then we will have to have another book.
I am not lazy. I am not unwilling to give another book. But why? It is religious thought that maintains duality as though it were a fact, and keeps you busy denying unreality and affirming reality—which keeps you in a state of denying your world, denying your body, denying your sexuality, denying yourself the experience of fun, because there is so much work to be done to overcome everything that is wrong with you. The joy of life is not being experienced, and the perfection of body, the perfection and beauty of union—and I do mean that sexually, and in every other way—is being lost. You are not being able to be defenseless in the presence of your world and defenseless in the presence of each other—again, defenseless meaning: not engaging in "judging against."
All of you are carrying on a tired tradition of mortality, and it's time to stop.
You are either a collection of conditioned responses or you are the spontaneous expression of appropriateness, but you are never "something." —Rajpur—
Divine Present Perfection
QUESTION: I have a beautiful experience with my two-and-a-half year old grandson, but there's something going on in our relationship, and I have a sense that if I understood it better, it would help me know myself better.
When you opened our meeting today with, "Welcome to yourself," it came to me, "Wow, Ryan is here for me in a way that I don't understand yet." He's a little boy that is so full of light, and I have the joy of living in the same household with him. And there are times in our relationship when he's crazy to be with me, and there are other times when he will say, "Go away." But he says it in a way that makes me think, "Oh, what's in me that's bringing forth this kind of expression?" Could you give me more enlightenment as to what it's about?
RAJ: It is truly about freedom in the relationship. It is truly about not having a co-dependent relationship, where each of you is playing on each other's needs.
I encourage you to delight in this youngster's forthrightness and freedom to express exactly what he is feeling without self-doubt. He does not express himself in a hateful way when he says, "Go away." He simply, easily, in so many words, says, "I want to be by myself. I want to do my thing. I don't want to be with you at the moment, Grandma." And he does not feel the need to cushion the news.
I encourage you not to allow a special relationship to develop with him. I encourage you not to allow a sense of "need" and "need fulfilled" to develop. I encourage you to be able to be with him or not be with him as a whole-souled woman, yourself, recognizing another whole-souled individuality, himself, and on the basis of that wholeness, be able to move together and apart without giving special meaning to it. Without special meaning, there will be a freedom and a joy and a fullness to the relationship, and neither one of you will begin to develop a need to be independent of each other and begin to push each other away.
Now, there is another point in your question that we need to address.
As everyone is becoming more and more metaphysically enlightened, and the concept that "you create your own experience" takes hold, you put yourself in the position of having to take responsibility for the results, for the events that occur in your life. And thus, anything good that happens is to your credit, and anything judged by you to be bad that happens is to your discredit. And you do not have the perspective to see that what is happening might be happening because there's a God, and that you're not responsible for it at all!
It is inappropriate to always take everything that happens back to yourself as though you were the cause. And it is an absolute requirement that whatever you experience be referred back to God. Why? Because if it is referred back to God, Who is indivisible and therefore undivided, Who is single of purpose and Who withholds nothing of what He is from His movement, which is called Creation, you are then in a position to experience the revelation that I spoke of earlier—the uncovering of That which has been going on all along.
You see, though, that if you always refer everything back to yourself as that which is responsible for what is happening, you are not going to be able to get back to the indivisible, undivided, unpolarized Source of perfection, which will move you through the appearance into the clarification that is needed. In other words, you will not have the means to get beyond the three-dimensional frame of reference. You will not be able to get beyond whatever your preconceptions and mindsets are. And therefore you will not be able to find freedom, even though you may have thousands of other individuals who agree that this [referring everything back to yourself] is a procedure which is spiritually more advanced than what was practiced fifty, one hundred, or three hundred years ago, and which, therefore, is a worthy effort put forth by you.
If God isn't being it, it isn't happening, except in the imagination. And to try to find the way in which you are responsible for every little thing that happens usurps God, puts you as the author of your life...and you are not! It makes you responsible. It sets you up for being guilty and having to pay the price of your guilt. It keeps you bound in your ignorance. And I am not speaking just to you. I am speaking to everyone.
Your spiritual path does not take you into blame, guilt, and the paying of penalty. It leads you out of, it helps you move through and beyond these dynamics of special relationships, which guilt and personal responsibility are inseparable from.
Now, this is a very hard thing for many to hear, because if God is responsible for everything and you are not, and you have been gaining your sense of worth from your accomplishments, then if you cannot claim that they are your accomplishments, you don't have any way of crediting yourself or feeling worthwhile. That becomes a very difficult thing to do. So, everybody clamors for a sense of authority—even authority over one's problems.
The tiny personal sense of yourself as a little mind living on the surface of a big planet in a universe—that concept of yourself—cannot be the environment in which revelation, or the uncovering of Who you really Are, can occur. Don't refer everything back to yourself. Refer everything back to the Father and then the clear, true perspective about it all, as the Father is being it, will become available to you. You will not go through a period of paying a penalty. And there is something else that will occur: God's point of view will become available to you as your point of view. And that's called being Awake.
You will not be minus an experience of fulfillment, because the Movement of God will be experienced by you as the Movement of You, since you aren't holding yourself apart from God. That of you which used to be able to claim credit—whether it was for the bad things or the good things—will not be claiming credit, and you will not be experiencing that kind of worth, because that was a conceptual worth, and not an experiential Worth.
When God's point of view is being experienced by you, as your point of view, there is never any doubt about your worth, because it is felt! It is a worth that cannot be taken away from you because you are not taking yourself away from God and holding yourself apart as a separate entity. So, you will exchange a sense of worth that is worthless for the experience of Worth that is eternal. But, it is an experience of Worth that you cannot claim credit for. That is what makes it difficult to embrace as valuable. It is your ego, which wants to be able to take credit. Your Being doesn't need to take credit, because It isn't holding Itself apart. So, the fullness and wholeness of God is experienced as the fullness and wholeness of You.
Now, the issue here is not whether or not you are experiencing the fullness and wholeness of You, which is the presence of God. The issue here is this practice of referring everything that happens back to you, and claiming authorship of it as a personal private little mind. It must stop with all of you!
The only thing you ever seem to create is a misperception of something real. But you never ever create anything unreal.
[Continuing the next morning.]
RAJ: I would like to address two points relative to things that were said yesterday. The first is relative to the statement that, "'You must all understand that you are neither behind the point of perfection nor advancing toward it. You are at that point and must understand yourself therefrom."
Now, why is it important to understand that? It is important because it gives you a new measuring stick. It gives you a measuring stick, which is more practical and more transformational than your poor thought models—your concepts, your conditionings, your conclusions that you have arrived at through limited perception.
If you begin to consciously embrace the idea—which is really a Fact—that you are not working toward perfection, but that you are at this very instant the manifestation, the expression of perfection, then when you find yourself thinking or believing things about yourself which are incongruent with this measuring stick of perfection, you have a basis for doubting your preconception and letting it go in preference to being curious to grasp the meaning of yourself on the basis of divine present perfection. You will question your spiritual trek. You will question the validity of obediences being practiced. You will question anything that posits your perfection somewhere off in the future. And you will, as I said, have a basis for beginning to be curious to perceive your present divine perfection.
Now, in a like manner, I said yesterday that instead of referring everything that happens in your experience back to yourself, as though you were the author and creator of it—whether it was bad or good—that you were to refer everything back to the Father. It did not mean, "Instead of blaming yourself, blame God." It meant to take whatever the circumstance is that confronts you which is distressing, as well as any circumstance which is most pleasing and fulfilling, and referring it back to God—the nature of which is indivisibility, perfection, unconflictedness, absolute Integrity. As I said, if anything is going on at all, it is God or it is a distorted perception of God that you are engaging in. But the Event, whether you are distorting It by means of misperception or not, is unchangeably God.
The reason for referring everything back to God is because here you have an Absolute measuring stick against which you may measure what you are observing. If what you are observing is incongruent with the measuring stick of perfection, you may know that there is a misperception present, and you may then engage your curiosity to see the perfection without engaging your reactions to your misperception.
The reason for referring everything back to God, rather than back to yourself, is because at the moment your sense of yourself is one of being conflicted. And so, the measuring stick that you use [conflictedness] doesn't give you the means of getting beyond the conflicted perception of your world that is distressing you. So, you refer everything back to the divine measuring stick, which will invalidate that which is illusory in your perception, and allow you to get past it. You will experience an inner shift, a transformational shift of perception, which will uncover to you the perfection that has to be going on in order for you to have a misperception at all.
Again: The reason for referring everything back to the Father is so that you may become free of the misperception and the distress associated with it. It is not so that you can have a scapegoat. There are many who do view God through a conflicted perception and see God as loving and wrathful, but that is only representative of the ignorant vantage point from which God is being viewed.
Behind the Wall
QUESTION: I am afraid of something. I wish I could pin it down. I'm afraid of the movement of my Being, maybe?
RAJ: Maybe? It is already pinned down. It is well stuck. Go ahead and take a look at it, because you can always stuff it back in the closet and wait until another day to bring it out again. But, let's just unemotionally take a look at it.
QUESTION: I feel...it's like I have almost been corrupted by living in Saudi for the past two years; that I'm getting too comfortable, losing touch with myself, maybe. Maybe it's just a feeling of a certain degree of comfortableness at the mundane ease of life back in Saudi at this time—not much demand for growth, and it's like I'm all alone, but it feels comfortable.
RAJ: It is like a drug, right?
RAJ: It debilitates you and gives you this unreasonable sense of peace and safety as it dissolves your integrity.
Now, we do not need to get emotional about it. We can just look at it.
QUESTION: It's like my last experience when I quit and left Saudi. It was like I had a strong motivation to do so, and I felt noble about doing that. But, in the process—at least within the first year—my experience was very negative, adjusting to the new experience, until things flowed for me again and I found my place, found my niche, and things started happening.
RAJ: Change requires adjustment. Change means changing! If one is not expecting the actualities of change, one can resist and be miserable in the process, but one will inevitably come out on the other side of the change, where the resistance will no longer be needed because one is familiar with the new perception, the less dense perception.
You see, one never knows what to do with freedom when confinement is what one has been comfortable with. That is why no one is Awake at the moment. And there is an uncomfortableness associated with adjusting to the experience of freedom, which necessarily embodies originality.
Now, you indicated that there is no particular growth that you are experiencing, but that is not all. You are also experiencing a restriction against such growth, which you are conforming to, and which you can conform to because that restriction is cultural. You are comfortable with it because that is the culture "of your origin."
Freedom, however, is truly the Culture of your real Origin, your divine Origin.
Ignorance is not bliss. But it is familiar! What you are experiencing in Saudi society is the nature of special relationships. You have had, by virtue of your stay there, the opportunity to have indelibly established in your experience, a real understanding of the special relationship, which is a mutual agreement to establish and reinforce ignorance of the truth about Who you Are. And the reason for having this experience is because clarity as to the nature of the special relationship must be understood experientially by you so that you may take your place as one of the teachers of truth. I do not mean a "high" place. I mean a place in which you can be a teacher because you are not confused about the difference between a special relationship and a holy relationship.
I want you to come back again to this thing of which you are afraid. What, I want to point out to you, as you are doing this, is that the thing you are afraid to look at is the antidote to the drug.
What is the agent? What is the antidote that will give you the freedom from the drug? That is what you are not wanting to look at.
QUESTION: The seeming loss?
RAJ: You are not afraid of the loss. You are afraid of something that will cause a loss of the stupid peace that you are in at the moment—the senseless absence of growth.
QUESTION: H-m-m-mm. There is a block there, and I'm just…
RAJ: Okay. So, there is a wall, and there is something behind the wall. You know what the thing behind the wall is, so, to hell with the wall! Let it be there. Let the block be there.
Let's identify the thing behind the wall. Let's name it! You know what it is. You can leave the block there and still tell me what it is, because you know what it is. The knowing of what it is is not blocked. There is an emotional feeling around it that you can use to say, "No, I won't identify it," but you know what it is.
QUESTION: Material reward?
RAJ: You are incarcerated at the moment. What is it that will release you from your incarceration?
QUESTION: Just quitting and leaving.
RAJ: See? I told you that you knew what it was.
QUESTION: It's so simple.
RAJ: It always is. It is always utterly sensible. You see, the first time you left Saudi, you accessed or took hold of freedom. But, you didn't know what you got freedom from. Now you know that it is freedom from the nature of a special relationship, the "magnetism" of a special relationship, which is always a mutual agreement to be ignorant.
You see, a Teacher of God opens up, expresses trust. Movement occurs. Freedom is accessed. It is embraced, even though it calls for adjustment. There is a period of becoming familiar with the freedom, and a certain ease. But, you do not know what the freedom is for, and you do not know what the freedom was from. And then, as the Course says, there is a period of unsettling, again, and it seems as though one has lost whatever forward movement had been experienced.
QUESTION: I'd say that was the experience the first time I left Saudi.
RAJ: Now you are finding out what the freedom is for and what the freedom is from.
There is no need for you to continue to rub your nose in the shit of special relationships and smell it "real good," because it isn't the stink of it that is important. And, it is not the humiliation of having your nose rubbed in it that is important, but the recognition that it's simply shit. And that it is not appropriate for it to be anywhere near your nose so that you can make a choice for the truth and know what the freedom is for.
Now, it is very important for you to understand that you do not have a streak of self-destruction in you that would cause you to continue to choose for a prolonged period of experiencing the meaninglessness of the nature of special relationships. The door of your cell is open, and you need no justification for walking out.
When you go to the grocery store and you select your groceries, and you go through the check-out stand, you do not then hang around in the grocery store for the "experience." You go home. You go home!
QUESTION: Do I understand that it is high time that I quit and come back to the United States?
RAJ: Well, let's take a look at this thing behind the wall. What is standing behind the wall is the clarity that it is time to quit and leave. Now take a look at it. Is it time to quit and leave now? Or is it time to quit and hang around?
This has nothing to do with thinking. It has nothing to do with judgments. This thing behind the wall, which is your salvation, is totally present—you might say fully developed. There aren't parts of it yet to come to view. It is sitting there in its totality, in its entirety, at this very moment, and you are already aware of it. I am simply cajoling you, finessing you into acknowledging what you already know.
I want you to be aware, as we do this, of the mode in which the ego operates to delay saying what you already know. It does it by means of emotion, which can be experienced as "dutifulness…righteous attachment." But, if you will pay attention, they have a magnetic quality—the very words, "attachment" and "dutifulness."
RAJ: Obligation! But, let's not become sidetracked by that. Because, in spite of the wall and the characteristics of the various bricks—obligation, dutifulness, attachment, et cetera—that which is behind the wall is already available to you and is already there in its entirety, and so in spite of the presence of the wall, you know already. It is because you know that the ego is afraid! Paul has known for two years what we were going to be doing, but wouldn't look at it. And it took me two years to finesse him into a willingness.
QUESTION: Can I have just one year, then? I'll be better than Paul.
RAJ: I will avail myself of that little bit of ego in you that would like to be better or more efficient, and say, "If it works to get you out of Saudi, by all means, do better than Paul!" But, really, the point is to be congruent with yourself so you are not experiencing a lag between what you know and your willingness to embody it, because lag-time is uncomfortable and unnecessary.
Now, again, let the wall be there. But this savior, this clarity that is behind the wall...What is the nature of the timeliness of the quitting and leaving? Is it a Band-Aid slowly pulled away from the skin, catching every hair and unroofing it slowly?
QUESTION: I hope I'm not that masochistic.
RAJ: But the fact is that the answer that has been complete all along has timeliness to it. I do not mean by that, a rush. I mean by that an utter appropriateness to the timing of quitting and leaving. Is it protracted or is it abrupt? Is it a little bit longer than abrupt? What is it?
Forget about emotions. We simply want to observe what the Facts are.
QUESTION: It's very hard for me, Raj.
RAJ: In spite of your thinking, in spite of your attachments, is the quitting and leaving quick or protracted or somewhere in between?
QUESTION: It is swift and clean.
RAJ: You see, you have not, up to this point, been out of sync with your Being, because this period of unsettling from a prior level of increased clarity was necessary. And the very word "Period" implies an experience in time.
That which sits in its purity and clarity behind the wall says, "The period of unsettling is over." As I said in the Princeville Workshop, "If you have graduated, it is time to get the hell out of school!"
QUESTION: I remember that. So, I have this funny feeling that the order of things is that I not go back to Saudi.
RAJ: Again, I want you to take a look at what is behind the wall. Is that what it says? Is that what its meaning is?
QUESTION: I'm not really sure.
RAJ: No, it is clear to you.
QUESTION: Can you give me a clue?
RAJ: Once you realize you are under the influence of a drug, once it is clear to you that while using it, you cannot experience your integrity, how long does it take you to stop indulging in the drug?
QUESTION: No time.
RAJ: That is your hint.
QUESTION: (Chuckle) Well, okay. If I make a decision to quit now—it's no problem for me making the decision. Just from what I've heard so far, I'm totally clear on the appropriateness of that decision, and the necessity to make it. As far as the time limit is concerned…I guess from what I understand, to get out from under the influence of the drug is overdue.
RAJ: I am listening to that as a statement and not a question. And I am not disagreeing with your statement.
QUESTION: That just blows my mind. It just blows my mind. I had no idea.
Conversations with Raj is made up of actual questions and answers drawn, with permission, from private conversations with Raj and public Workshops. Rajpur, an Ascended Master, is an Individuality making himself known by means of conscious channeling through Paul Norman Tuttle for the purpose of facilitating the major shift of consciousness which mankind is entering into.
Conversations with Raj is published monthly, by the Northwest Foundation for A Course in Miracles, a non-profit tax-exempt corporation, P.O. Box 870, Hanalei, HI 96714. Subscription price, prepaid, one year $15.00; single issue $1.50. Copyright Ó 1992 by Paul Norman Tuttle. All rights reserved.
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