CONVERSATIONS WITH RAJ
SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER 1988
VOL. 5, NOS. 9 & 10
The Stew of You
[The following questions and answers are from the Montpelier, Vermont Workshop, A Weekend with Raj, held November 12-13, 1988.]
QUESTION: I perceive physical symptoms manifesting a lot, and I'm really bored with it. Every time I turn around there is another physical symptom of some sort. And it seems like -- I don't want to connect it with an emotional thing, because then I'm attaching myself to it ...
RAJ: But, you see, it is blocked feeling. It is an emotional thing. It does have a feeling. And the feeling, if you will pay attention to it, provides the clue to the revelation that is to come, the clarification that is to come.
Waking up, experiencing clarification, having less illusion, means that the garbage is going to be cleaned out! And so, you are going to find beliefs, patterns of emotional reaction, being brought to your attention, much like the scum that rises from the soup bones as you boil them to make the base for a delicious stew.
You would worry if you put the bones in and turned the heat on and no scum came to the surface. You would question just how good that stock was going to be for the stew you were going to make.
Now, if you are going to wake up, you can count on it that your beliefs are going to be uncovered. So, do not be distressed because the dirt that got swept under the rug has been uncovered by a helpful "Tidy-Man" who has uncovered the fact that you were lazy at some point and shoved it under the rug rather than taking it out to the trash can. In its being uncovered, you are in a position of doing something with it, while as long as it remains covered, you can be fooled into thinking that you are not being governed by beliefs, thought patterns, mind-sets, that were established a long time ago.
Now, there is another factor here, and that is, what do you do with the scum that comes to the surface? Do you study it? Do you analyze it? Do you wonder what you did in this lifetime or a past lifetime that has made it come to the surface? No. You ladle it off and trash it, and bring your attention back to the delicious stew that is brewing, which, because it was brewing, brought that which was unnecessary to the surface where you could easily get rid of it, release it.
Although you are not going to want to analyze it and dissect it and tear it apart, you are going to find that as the beliefs, as the mind-sets, as the limitations come to the surface, there is going to be a feeling. And you are going to want to pay attention to the feeling. At first the feeling is going to be the feeling that is blocking the experience of your Soul. The feelings will be reactionary. They will be sadness. They will be depression. They will be jealousy. They will be hurt feelings, false pride, et cetera. These are not aspects of Soul. These are ego dynamics.
If you allow yourself to pay attention to the feelings that are occurring as the scum comes to the surface, and you do not squelch them further, you do not deny them, it will become obvious to you that those feelings are not really relevant to what is going on in your life. And as they become apparent as irrelevant, you will find the feeling beginning to shift. If it is hate that you are feeling, or if it is "being hated" that you are reacting to, you will find that the feeling will shift into the presence of and the flow of your feelings of love.
The mind-sets, the emotional responses that you have incorporated and turned into a rut of emotional response, are like a cork blocking the flow of your love, or the flow of your joy, or the flow of your feeling of fulfillment. And when you pay attention to the emotional feelings or reactions that constitute the cork, the cork -- which is part of the scum coming to the surface -- breaks down and the energy shifts. And you once again feel the movement of your Soul, of your capacity to love, of your capacity to experience your joy, et cetera.
And, that is the end of the purging process that brings out the richness of the "stew of You" -- your divinity.
QUESTION: I guess what you're saying is, continue to skim it and just not focus on it. And I understand that.
I do notice that the more I trust in the process of life, the symptoms fade much quicker.
RAJ: But, you see, the fact that a new symptom comes up is often taken as a feeling or an assumption that you have lost ground.
QUESTION: Right. Exactly. And I judge myself, just like, "Well, I didn't make progress because it keeps happening."
RAJ: The ego is like a pack rat. And it stores all of the useless fol-de-rol, and you have no idea how many little packages of dirt and useless garbage are stored around your Being, if I may put it that way.
When you find the symptoms, when you find these dynamics occurring, understand that the purging is continuing and the obvious big stuff that has been taken care of, now makes it possible for you to get down to the more subtle "garbage" that has been more secretively stored away to be discovered and skimmed off.
Now, it is very helpful to ask why all of this is coming to the surface. Well, it's because the heat is on. And the "heat" is the insistence of what you divinely Are penetrating your defenses of the experience of It, and in the penetration, providing the illumination that allows you to see the dust and dirt that has collected in unseen places.
So, you may practice the Art of Contrary Thinking here. And instead of assuming, as the ego would suggest, that, "See, this is all the good your spiritual growth really did you," "it is just bringing you more problems," or "it didn't work, and you haven't moved one iota toward your spiritual awakening" -- when it says that, you can say, "No. If you, the ego, were in charge, none of this would be coming to the surface at all. It's coming to the surface because something else is dynamically present here. The heat is on. The pressure of my divinity is uncovering all the little crap that you have laid on me, and I am going to rejoice at the cleansing, at the purification that is occurring. And I am glad that I have discovered another speck of dirt, another limitation, that it is unjust for me to continue to be governed by, so that I may take a look at it and say, 'Nope, toss it out.' 'Nope, toss it out."'
You get the picture.
Relationships & Judgment
QUESTION: My question has to do with the big "R" word, relationships. It has to do with ... as I'm waking up, I notice I judge myself, and then, of course, I judge other people, to the extent that I don't want to be around other people -- almost a sense of arrogance and righteousness about where I'm at and others are not at. And I'm real aware of that when it comes up.
I'll see other people in a certain pattern. I'll notice it's a control pattern. I know it has to do with my own control patterns -- and I always bring it back to me. But the conflict that's going on is, I find I can't be around people. That's the ego speaking. I know that. But because I have these judgments that other people aren't as conscious as I am, I don't want to be around them, because I don't want be around their ego stuff. Now, I know that's a reflection of my ego stuff. Is that enough information to give?
RAJ: It is, indeed. Let us not assume that we are more awakened if we are still reacting to others' ignorance, unenlightenedness. That is functioning within the ego's framework and simply using "spiritual growth" as the new standard of judgment, which isn't at all what Awakening and Enlightenment is about, because Awakening and Enlightenment puts you in the position of being released from judgment -- not released from discernment and wisdom, but released from the judgment that sets up the boundary between you and your fellow man and does not allow for communion to occur, the connection to occur, of the Oneness that is truly there.
Love is the willingness to recognize that which is Real in each and every thing and Love is what Waking Up is all about. So, you must start using a little bit of self-discipline, and recognize that it is not truly a more enlightened awareness that sees others' faults more easily and then has trouble putting up with them.
Love is that which recognizes the "little gap," the gap between true Identity and the ego sense of self, and is not overwhelmed with it in any way. It sees it as the nothingness that it is. And in its nonreactiveness has the perspective to see how to close the little gap a little bit. Perhaps, because there is the capacity to recognize that the ego sense that is expressing itself as spiritual ignorance is an imposition upon this one who is the Christ, this one who is the absolutely perfect Self-expression of the Father, who therefore deserves your compassion -- not your empathy, but your compassion -- and your willingness, let us say, to hang in there with that divine one. And by hanging in there, making it easy for that one to embrace his or her divinity more consciously.
Now, I mentioned that this does not mean giving up discernment, because it is very clear what constitutes the ego motivation and action and that which is divinely Real about that individual. The distinction is clear, but because you are not reacting from an ego level, the distinctness is what allows you to throw out the scum, and not the stew.
So, there will be times when you will not stay in the presence of someone who is vehemently insisting upon coming from an ego place, which does not take into consideration the well being or welfare of others, and is inhumane. And at other times, because you are not coming from a reactive place, you will know that it is appropriate to hang in there, even though that one is vehemently expressing lack of consideration and ignorance. And you will be able to be appropriate.
There are times that it is simply not wisdom to subject yourself to, and stay in the environment of, someone who is insisting on being an ego. And there are other times when it is inappropriate to withdraw from that one. But, you are not going to know the difference if you are continuing to be reactive, thinking that the reactivity is a part of what comes with spiritual clarification.
If your capacity to be the presence of Love is not increased, then count on it, you are in the same boat as the one you are reacting to, and you both need compassion. So, begin right there to extend that compassion to yourself as well as to whoever you are reacting to. This, as I said, is going to require a little bit of self-discipline.
Again: Love is the recognition of that which is Real in each and every thing, and that recognition will not occur if there is not a willingness on your part to recognize It -- a certain defenselessness which is absolutely inconsistent with ego reaction.
Let us have a little perspective here. How awake do you think you are?
QUESTION: I can't measure that. I know the difference between Who I Am and the ego suggestion.
RAJ: How comfortable should I be, hanging in there with you?
QUESTION: That's my thought. You don't sit here and say, "Boy, look at those people in the room. Boy, they don't do anything. They're ignorant." It's obvious you have great love and compassion, embrace for everyone here, regardless of where they are in their point of awakening. I want to be like that.
RAJ: It is a matter of choice. What do you choose to do to maintain your unconflictedness? Or do you choose to do something that enhances your conflictedness? Do you choose to do that which keeps your capacity to love alive and in the foreground of your conscious awareness of Being?
Do you think I am loving for you? I am loving, I am Love, because I made a decision to honor what is the substance of my Being more than the "satisfaction" of getting justice with fellow egos, or being that which was going to lift them out of their pitiable state.
How are you seeing your fellow man? As poor pitiful unenlightened egotistical creatures? If you do, it is going to become obvious to you that they need a lot of help, and it is going to fall to you to provide that help. And, I will tell you that you will end up feeling great burden, and you will come to resent the fact that their salvation lies on your shoulders. And you will never get out of the ego's frame of reference that way.
QUESTION: My experience is different. That's what I've done. I've come out of an enabling pattern where I always felt I had to take responsibility for everybody else's problems. And almost in complete reaction to that, I've moved into a space where I don't want anything to do with anybody else's problems. They're in their space, they're where they're at, and I don't want to hang out with them, is the attitude. And I know that that's a very lonely, scary place for me to be. And I don't want to help, and enable, and take responsibility for other people's awakening, either.
RAJ: But, how about just acknowledging that they are not this pitiful creature, but that they are the presence of the Christ; that they do not need to become empowered, they do not need to be enabled; they need to be simply acknowledged and treated as though they were what they Are?
You see, it is not that I am helping any of you rise above some pitiable state that you are in. It is that I am reflecting back to you a respect that you should be giving yourselves, because it is obvious to me that we are equals, and that your sense of littleness, your sense of separateness, is imagination -- not actual.
Not one of you needs help, and that is what I am reflecting back to you -- a respect and an acknowledgment of Who and What you divinely Are in language that will register with you at the moment, as you insist upon your limitation.
But, I do not have pity on any one of you because none of you is the way you think you are. And that is what makes it easy to love, to be Love. I bear no burden of responsibility for your salvation. The idea that you need to be saved is an illusion that has been foisted off on you by your ego and, unfortunately, by your churches.
You see, you cannot afford to approach your fellow man as an ego. You must approach your fellow man as being the Christ. It's easy to honor that which is not going to become a responsibility to you. And if that one is not going to become a responsibility to you, then there is no dynamic present to resent or resist or separate yourself from.
This is a learning process for you. And you are at a point of having the depth and breadth of your capacity to love broadened. Again, though, it is going to require some self-discipline so that you do not run off willy-nilly with the ego's emotional response of judgment and self-righteous withdrawal.
QUESTION: Thanks, Raj. I got it, but I didn't like it.
RAJ: You are welcome. You got it. You (with a capital "Y") loved it, and it is irrelevant whether the ego disliked it or not!
Gold Stars and Penalties
QUESTION: Raj, I've been feeling kind of miserable and joyless for awhile now, and it's even more excruciating because I can feel something else so close, but I can't bring myself to experience that instead.
RAJ: What is the payoff in the misery?
QUESTION: I don't know.
RAJ: Honestly think about it.
QUESTION: I guess if I stick with that, I don't have to make changes that I'm afraid of.
RAJ: Yes, that is part of it. Is there a little bit of martyrdom in it? Does the endurance of a little bit of misery get you, perhaps, a little bit brighter gold star than someone else who gets their star more gracefully?
QUESTION: Well, I'd like to think I could get past that so that I could learn how to learn without any misery at all. Where am I blocking that kind of learning? Why can't I learn that way?
RAJ: It is a little bit of laziness on your part. And you are not suffering that badly. The payoff is an assumed payoff. It will not be actual. Do not bother feeling sorry for yourself. As you have indicated, what is behind it is very close. You are likely to hold onto this -- let me put it this way: You are likely not to get sick and tired of feeling like this for another six weeks. However, you could release it this moment, or tonight.
I want you to understand that this is not happening to you. It is a matter of choice at the moment. It is a choice you are welcome to indulge in. And the only penalty there will be to it is the misery that you are experiencing. But you will not be judged in the overall sense of your Being or your life for making this choice.
If you sit on a tack and choose to sit on it for awhile before you stand up, you are welcome to do it. You will still get into the Kingdom of Heaven. Or, shall I say, you will still wake up to the fact that the whole time you were sitting on the tack was while you were in the middle of the Kingdom of Heaven.
I literally am meaning to convey to you that it's no big deal that you are choosing to be miserable, and you have the choice to sit on the tack for another six weeks. And I'm not going to try to stop you. And no one else should try to stop you. And you are not being a sinner for doing it. It certainly is an available experience out of the full spectrum of experience. And you are welcome to have it.
There is no prize, negatively or positively. And when you go ahead and let what is underneath it come forth, which is going to feel good, it will feel good, and you will get no prize for that, either. Except the simple feeling of congruence with yourself. And if you like that feeling of congruence, you will stay with it. And if for some reason you feel that it is important to sit on another tack for a few weeks or months, you will do that.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's not a big deal that you aren't feeling particularly joyful. It's just what you're choosing.
Now, don't sit there and say, "Oh, my god, you mean I'm going to have to put up with this for another six weeks?"
QUESTION: I was wondering what "six weeks" meant -- why you would say six weeks.
RAJ: Because, as it happens, the likelihood is that even in spite of what I'm saying, you will still choose to stay in the murkiness, the dimness of this feeling for another six weeks. But understand that that is not a prediction that is absolute and that you are bound to. I'm just telling you that this is likely to be your choice. And, it's all right. And you could make the choice in the next five minutes. And that's not a prediction that is absolute, either.
There is no payoff in a positive sense, and there is no penalty in a negative sense to illusion. All of you make entirely too much out of illusion. So, you're all fitfully dreaming a dream in the middle of the Kingdom of Heaven. Big deal!
You don't get any gold stars or any penalties for limiting yourself to the three-dimensional-only frame of reference. You just get the inherent limitations of the three-dimensional-only frame of reference until, without an emotional charge to it, you say, "Hey, I think I'd rather be awake." "I think I'd rather experience my Integrity fully." "I think I'd rather see whatever else is here, as well as the parts of the Totality that I am seeing."
The process of becoming congruent with yourself gets all wrapped up in emotional charges around your "sinfulness" and my "sinlessness," and what you deserve because of your "sinfulness," and why you can't rightfully and easily, without arrogance, simply open yourself up to your divinity -- your sinlessness -- and do that without an emotional charge, either. Emotional charges are ego dynamics.
Emotions are of the ego. Feelings are of the Soul.
When you realize that you don't get an "F" for being a sinner, for being a martyr, or feeling "down in the dumps and stuck for awhile," and you don't get an "A," or a gold star, or a judgment in a positive light for choosing the truth, for choosing to wake up, there comes about an evenness to things that is much more practical and much more "down to earth," much more real, where you can see that, "Yes, I can choose to sit on a tack," no big deal to it, or, "Yes, I can stand up and get off the tack, "and there's no big deal to it, except that it doesn't hurt not to be sitting on the tack.
The emotional charge you give to a thing can make it seem unreachable, and can make you seem unworthy of reaching it. And all the time, these two extreme dynamics are inaccurate concepts about one who is sitting in the middle of the Kingdom of Heaven being the direct expression of the Father that has always been incapable of being anything different from that.
As you let go of the guilt, and as you let go of the pride that comes from either end of those extremes, and you become a great deal more matter of fact about waking up, the easier it will be to simply say, "Okay," and make that decision to feel that "something" that you have described as being "just underneath" this sort of blah, negative feeling that you have been having.
How far away you are from your experience of your divinity is absolute illusion. It means absolutely zero. So, how on earth could there be a gold star for "going the distance" and achieving your divinity again? And how could an illusion of being distanced from your divinity be conceived to be something that exalts your Spirit when You, when your Spirit, when your Soul, never left for a moment Its primitive and ultimate state of absolute perfection?
Now, I am taking some time here because this is an important point to understand. The Prodigal may have left his inheritance to go and frolic in a far land -- meaning "a great way away from his divinity, from his Birthright" -- but I will tell you, your Father's Kingdom is infinite, just as the Prodigal's father's legacy to his son was infinite. And the son only moved away from it in his imagination, only disowned it in his imagination, only separated himself from it in his imagination.
So, what's the big deal about coming Home when you never left, except that you have left your imagination and are facing Reality again, the full experience of your Birthright. So, you can say, "I am feeling my empowerment happening as I am coming back into my own." "Boy, have I come a long way." "The experience of the influx of what I divinely am is overwhelming and awesome." It's as much poppycock as the idea that you got a long way away from what you divinely Are.
The trek away and the trek back, and the dynamics of going away and the discomfort of it, and the pleasure of coming back to it, are all part of the illusion! So, don't value the suffering, and don't value the influx of your awakening clarity as though it were anything more than a return of Sanity, plain, pure, and simple.
The less emotionally charged you can be about the apparent distance you are from your divinity, and the less emotionally charged you can be about how close you are coming to the experience of your divinity, the less you will find yourself experiencing any of the dynamics of illusion. And you will begin to find that your Awakening is a result of something as simple as becoming genuine, sensitive, and undefended against Reality, against your fellow man, against your world.
The next six weeks will be either a pleasant or an unpleasant experience of Reality, of the Kingdom of Heaven, because That's the only thing there is for you to be experiencing. And whichever way you choose to experience, it is your prerogative to experience in that way. And the only difference will be that one will feel good and one will not. There will be no penalties, no gold stars, no refining of your Soul, no exalting of your Spirit.
The move away from what you divinely Are, and the move back, are illusion, because you have been there the whole time, unchanged from what you divinely Are. The great suffering of the move away, and the great exaltation of moving back, is so much nonsense. It is the coming to the experience of your Integrity and your genuine Worth that has never been taken away from you and you never let go of. That is what it is all about.
You may have asked a little question, but it was a very significant one.
The Ego's Handmaiden
[For various reasons, including poor service in the restaurant, a number of people were late in returning from the lunch break. Raj opened the afternoon session with the following.]
I am going to take a moment here, before we begin, to point out that the clock is the ego's handmaiden, and that although you might, as a security blanket, have a Plan, a schedule, as it were, the necessity must remain, as I said earlier, to be ready to be responsive in the moment, to the moment, and be willing to abandon the schedule in favor of being appropriate in the moment.
Now, the ego utilizes deadlines as a means of pulling one off center, whether one is a student, whether one is a housewife attempting to have dinner on before her husband gets home so that she can serve him when he desires to be fed, whether one must be at a meeting at a prearranged time, and in order to present himself/herself well, be there on time, if not fifteen minutes before, in order to make a good impression. And one begins to serve the clock. And when Reality does not unfold according to the clock, the ego causes one to become either self-critical, or critical of the "other," or the "circumstance" which seems to have brought about the incompatibility of Reality and the clock.
You are not here to serve a clock. And you are not here to let a clock determine your worth! And you are also not here to let a clock justify, in your mind, the determination of the worth or lack of worth of someone else!
Now, if there are no gold stars for waking up and there are no penalties for being asleep, then that lets you off the hook from the standpoint of fulfilling a responsibility to meet certain criteria that get you the gold star or avoid your seeming to be confronted with a penalty. And, as I said, brings about an evenness that allows one to become free of the illusion of having departed from Reality and moved back to it.
If you have been let off the hook by virtue of the Truth, then you must see to it that you do not hold someone else "on the hook" because they have been coming from an ego place. You should also not give them gold stars, in your mind, if they seem to be progressing well in their process of awakening, because the process of leaving Home and returning, as I said, is an illusion, and you must be willing to hold not only yourself but others guiltless, and not use illusion as justification for judgment.
Learn to be in the moment, respond appropriately in the moment, because you are not in a reactive place, and do not try to hold what you conceive to be the unfoldment of Reality to a clock. You will find that if you are being appropriate, you will be where you need to be when you really need to be there. Order will not go out of the window, and when you are "late" according to conceptual standards of timeliness, you will find that those you were to meet were also late, and your arrival amounted to perfect timing.
Humility is a big word. It means being willing not to be arrogant enough to assume that you know by prior experience, by virtue of your memory, by virtue of your intellect, what is or is not supposed to be, what is or is not right.
You will begin to find the way everything flows together absolutely perfectly for everyone concerned. And you will not be inclined to employ judgment to call the integrity of another into question just because they seem to be expressing the illusion of departure from Reality and thereby seem to be causing you to be experiencing a departure from order. It's all in the illusion. But the actual Orderliness will always be present to be discerned, because, again, as I have said, it is the Kingdom of Heaven, which confronts you at all times. There is nothing else going on. So, the Orderliness of Being is constantly available to be experienced.
QUESTION: How do you deal with anger? I've been sitting here listening to you -- well, for this session -- and sometimes you act very pious. And I get a lot of resentment and anger out of that.
I don't know if the anger is directed at you or I'm angry with myself, or what, but I've been going through some times where I don't know how to deal with the anger; to vent it out or to hold it in, or how to deal with it successfully, and I want your help.
RAJ: The anger is a defense, a way of not paying attention to, very simply, your capacity to be loving, which is a gentle and soft and, from the ego's standpoint, a vulnerable yielding place to come from. It is a way of not feeling your softness. It is a way of not feeling what you would call the feminine aspect of you. It is a way of blocking the influx of enlightenment, the influx of inspiration, the influx of your capacity to be compassionate, because there is a fear of losing your equilibrium, your groundedness, your stability, which comes from, shall I say, a "structural" self-awareness, constituted of certain behaviors and attitudes that are rigid. As a result, you tend to be more like an oak tree than a willow.
Now, understand that we -- you and I, and indeed the whole group -- are communicating on more levels than just the intellectual level. You are finding your ability to be yielding and flexible -- not as resistant -- becoming illuminated by what you referred to as my piousness. But this undermines the firmness or strength of the "structure" that causes you to be more like an oak tree. And the fear is that if the structure is let go of, that you will not be flexible and yielding like the willow tree, but rather that you will collapse in a heap like spaghetti. What you need to know is that that will not happen, but that the flexibility of the yielding receptive part of you that is capable of being inspired, and capable of being unconditionally loving, allows you to be less reactive, more pliable, and more able to be responsive to Life, less able to be snapped off where you lose your bearings entirely.
The anger is a form of self-protection.
Now, I'm going to use another image. Imagine, if you will, an opening, a window that has no glass in it. Hanging in the opening is a venetian blind, and there is a breeze coming through the window. If you employ anger, and you are the equivalent of the venetian blind, you become tight and tense and self-protective, and it is the equivalent of closing the slats. But if the slats become closed and the movement of Life, the movement of the air, continues to come through, then the venetian blind is jangled all around. So, when you employ anger, you increase the dynamics that you are attempting to protect yourself from.
But, if the yielding part of you, the nondefensive part of you, is allowed to come into play, it is the equivalent of opening the slats, and then the wind can move through and create only the barest movement of you, of the venetian blind. The very thing that provides you with the stability you want comes not from defensiveness, but from the yielding flowing capacity you have to be unconditionally open. It is the opposite of what you are conditioned to believe.
Again, the anger is a form of defense. But you must learn to be alert, and when the anger begins to be noticeable, you need to -- intellectually, at least -- recognize that you are beginning to close the slats, and that closing the slats will only increase the dynamic that you are wanting to be protected against.
Then, you must make a choice for your Peace and choose to let go of the anger and not employ it. Defensiveness creates the very circumstances, which you want protection from.
Don't be afraid to feel your tenderness, your lovingness, your strength and equilibrium that becomes apparent to you when you begin to let go of your conditioned "structure." You will not turn into a wet noodle. You will find yourself more firmly planted in your capacity to be intelligent.
QUESTION: But how do you vent that anger? You make it sound so -- closing the blinds or opening them up! But, is there a process of letting out what's all built up inside of you?
RAJ: I want you to understand that defensiveness blocks in both directions. It blocks that which comes in and it blocks that which moves out. And when you make a choice for your Peace, and you let go of the defense, the bottled-up anger dribbles out, drains out, moves out. The key is the making of the choice for your Peace, and not justifying the continuation of the conflicted dynamic of anger.
In that choice for Peace, and the letting go, the opening up, the relaxing that occurs, there is nothing to contain the pressure, and it may leave you without being vented at something. From within yourself, you will simply find the feeling of anger, the feeling of hate, shifting and being replaced by your love, your ability to feel your love, together with the movement of love that becomes extended to everyone and everything around you.
You see, you must understand that you cannot deal with the ego. You cannot do something with it. That which weakens the ego is simply disregard. Give it energy by playing into it, and you strengthen it. Energize it with retaliation, and you strengthen it. But when you turn away from dealing with the ego positively or negatively, and you make a choice for relaxing and moving into your Peace, you are not providing it with the attention it needs in order to survive. And so it dissolves. It fades.
That is not too simple an answer, and it is not that hard to let go. You can do it through meditation. You can do it through soaking in a hot tub. You can do it through self-hypnosis relaxation techniques. You can do it by spending an hour in the enclosed "think-tanks" that are now available. It is not difficult. You can use bio-feedback equipment. It is not difficult. And moving into that centered relaxation and peace is not an avoidance of issues. It truly is a moving out of the polarized dynamic of the ego's frame of reference, and moving into the centered equilibrium of your Being, which is indivisible.
[The following questions and answers are from the Winnipeg, Manitoba Workshop, A Weekend with Raj, held October 1-2, 1988.]
QUESTION: I've come to realize in the last few months that a lot of the times when I'm feeling loneliness or despair or a great sadness, that these really aren't my feelings. They're really my mother's feelings, and they're feelings that I learned as a child.
My question to you is, how can I release the feelings that aren't mine and reconnect with my mother in a new, real, and loving relationship?
RAJ: Of course, it is a perception that you are experiencing -- one which you got the format for from your mother. And the loneliness is a form of hate. It seems to present itself as the desire for love -- for the opportunity to love and the opportunity to be loved -- but the fact is that it is an aggressive expression of hate. It is an act of holding oneself apart, and holding everyone else responsible, and making them pay. It is a matter of not letting the world in. It is a matter of not letting one's fellow man in. And there is always an accompanying grudge. It is misleading, as I said, because loneliness seems to express a sincere desire to be close.
Now, this is not truly your mode, your style, your frame of reference. It is as though you take a coat of the same pattern that your mother has forged for herself and put it on "to be like mother," to identify with her. It is wonderful that you have arrived at a point of recognizing that it isn't your garment.
Now, you simply need to be alert. And when you find yourself putting this garment on, recognize that you are, and immediately take it off. You put it on for no good reason at all. You don't put it on because something is happening in your life that is causing you to be lonely. So, you do not have to forgive anyone in order to take it off. But you do, when you notice that you are putting the garment on, need to immediately acknowledge that it is your desire to be defenseless, and invite the world in, let the world in, which is what is natural to you. You just simply need to reinstate it consciously.
That, done consistently, will break the habit.
How can you have a new relationship with your mother? Well, you can let her in as well. But recognize that in letting her in, you do not have to embrace her point of view. You do not have to give approval to her style in all respects. Embrace her, recognizing those things that she is doing that are impractical and inconsistent with where you find yourself to be. This does not mean attempt to change her. But be clear, so that you are not sucked into her style by not discriminating at all between what she is doing that is congruent with what is true about her, and what she is doing that isn't.
QUESTION: I think it's all clear except the last little part. "Don't discriminate with..."
RAJ: Oh, do discriminate between those actions and attitudes that are congruent with what is true about her, and those that aren't, so that you may join with her consciously in agreement on what is true, and not join with, and not play into, her ego "stuff." Your clarity in this respect will help you stand clear, while at the same time embracing her, and that will indeed constitute a new relationship with her.
QUESTION: Earlier in this gathering, you coupled the word "loneliness" with "hate." I'm wondering if you could enlarge upon that and give us some understanding of the words "loneliness," "lonesome," in relationship to our understanding of God's love for us?
RAJ: I cannot really answer that question relative to God's love for you, because, you see, the state of loneliness constitutes a denial of that love, and a blocking of it, and the denial of it is the only relationship there is to it. In the "establishment" of a sense of self separate from the Father -- an arrogance that says to the Father, "I would rather do it myself," "I'll do it my way," there is, of course, the resultant experience of being separated from your true identity. And, as I indicated, there is an immediate feeling of vulnerability, of lostness, of being unsafe, insecure. And the act of withdrawal from the Father constitutes the absence or the opposite of Love.
Psychologically speaking it is the act of self-hate, and therefore the whole human experience that follows is the evidence or manifestation of self-hate, because the withdrawal from the Father, the separation from and the insistence upon having a will apart from the Father, is Self-defeating. In other words, the Self-experience has been defeated temporarily by the insistence upon maintaining a sense of identity separate and apart from It.
Now, the ego, the human mind, would love to draw shades of grey, and keep everything from being black and white. But self-hate is self-hate. The separation from the world and others isn't just disinterest. It isn't just being self-responsible. It is an act of hate! It is the opposite of Love. It deprives you of the experience of your Integrity absolutely. And since it separates you from your experience of your Integrity absolutely, and there are no shades of grey to it, then let us not speak in terms of grey where the sense of separateness and independence can take on positive connotations.
Of course, not one of you would be willing to consider that your definition of yourself, that your sense of yourself, is an aggressive act of hate against the Father. And that is why the guilt that is felt gets projected out on those around you and the things around you, and even the devil. You are all strong enough to deal with the fact that to any degree that you are not embracing and embodying the Father, you are denying the Father, and that that can only be described in the black and white terms of hate. If the premise of your whole human experience is hate, how can you expect not to have wars? How can you expect not to have strife in your relationship? How can you expect not to have competition and justify it?
Now, this sounds pretty awful. This kind of awfulness certainly calls for judgment and penalty -- or so it would seem from within the distorted result of the initial hate called the "human experience." But, the human experience is the distorted experience of the Kingdom of Heaven, in the Presence of the Father, that is the Presence of the Father. And the Father watches you dreaming your dream, and knows that you are not what you are dreaming, and judges you according to what is true about you. And therefore, as I said yesterday, His benediction upon you is, "This is my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased."
You have the freedom to view the Kingdom of Heaven, to experience the Fourth-dimensional Conscious Experience of Being, through the first three dimensions only. There is no penalty to it. There is no punishment to it. But, as long as you are choosing to have separated yourself from the experience of your all-inclusive Totality, you will seem to experience your loss of identity.
In that loss of identity you will act as though the obvious limitations are actual, and you will not dream that there is something greater to you. You will work to ensure that you remain "safe" in this unsafe condition, and you will continue to deny the Father until, as is happening, something in you gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, and longs for Home.
The longing for Home does not constitute loneliness. The longing for Home is a yearning of the heart for that which one Knows but cannot quite put his finger on. If that yearning, which is not loneliness is paid attention to and embraced, it will serve to open the door to the path Home, which involves the humiliation of your ego and your coming into the experience of your willingness to just be genuinely you -- which constitutes humbleness and your willingness to value who you are whether you are living up to the ego's expectations or not -- and present this wonderful one that you are in your humiliated state to your fellow man without apology, defenseless, so that your fellow man can dare to be defenseless with you.
Don't be afraid to think in the stark terms of love and hate. And do not let there be intermediate shades of grey. And understand that choosing to be independent, self-responsible, intelligently in charge, without taking into consideration God, does not bring down upon you the wrath of God, because God is Love, incapable of wrath. And God sees truly, and therefore sees your divinity and is not fooled by your dream, and therefore does not join you in your expectation of punishment for your limitations or your denial of Him.
As I said yesterday, the ego is an assumption to Presence that constitutes "nothing claiming to be something." How can nothing need to be punished? How can that which isn't actually happening be penalized? You do not exist as a puny little mortal human being, an organism on the face of the planet, and you never have. You are the Sons and Daughters of God, the Self-expression of the Father -- first-generation! All expression of the Father is first-generation expression of the Father, and it is called Creation. And each one of you is the embodiment of that entire Movement, as I said yesterday.
So, even though we are being honest and speaking in frank and even stark terms, we are still talking about illusion, which calls for no punishment, or truly any comment of any kind. Nothing is nothing. But, since you think it is something, we must talk about it, and talk it away!
Loneliness, humanly speaking, is a form of attack upon your fellow man. It is your withdrawal, your putting yourself in isolation from your fellow man, in order to "get even" for whatever. You withdraw to cause discomfort -- and I am not speaking to you only, here. You withdraw for revenge, to get even, to make someone else feel uncomfortable, to make them feel guilty for the way they are treating you. That is the crux of loneliness. That is the kernel that gets the ball rolling. It is manipulative.
The man who withholds sex from his wife, or the woman who withholds sex from her husband, does it to get even for something. The result is that whoever has withdrawn becomes lonely, and then says, "See the misery you are putting me through?" "I feel fully justified in finding someone who will love me." And all that means is "I will find somebody that I will not withdraw from until I need to be manipulative again." You get the picture.
But, you see, the primary withdrawal has been the withdrawal from God, and what you could call God-consciousness -- that consciousness of things which it is your primitive and ultimate right to be consciously experiencing eternally -- and that constituted a denial of the Father. But, what you did not realize was that the Father is what constitutes your Identity, and in that denial, you lost your conscious experience of Who You Are.
It didn't hurt the Father at all, and ultimately it didn't hurt you at all, because when you wake up it will be clear to you that the illusion was illusion and never happened. And, you will all become fully aware of what was divinely happening as You and Your Self-expression during the whole dream. That which you were not accessing, because you were resisting it, will become fully available to you, and you will remember what you were really doing. And, as it has been said before, "the material record will be expunged."
When your right mind is restored to you, the experiences of that right mind, which had been occurring all along while you were dreaming your dream, will be returned to you as well
QUESTION: I have a "yes-but."
RAJ: Very well.
QUESTION: Perhaps the answer has already been given and I have to review to hear it, but it seems to me that loneliness very often seems, at the conscious level, anyway, to stem from the fear of being unloved, or without love. My understanding is that God is Love, and if we have a feeling for that, then that allays the fear of being alone. Is that on track?
RAJ: If there is enough willingness to be open to the Fact that God is Love, then, indeed, that does lead to the allaying of the fear. You see, when one is feeling guilty, which is the natural state of the ego, one feels undeserving of love. And therefore it is unreasonable to think that even God could love one. And that is one of the reasons I have made it so clear in my answer that there is only one thing God perceives. And that is His beloved expression, in which He is well pleased, because there is nothing there but the Totality of what the Father is in expression. It is that Self-recognition of the Father that constitutes the Love, because the Father is embracing What He Is fully, without reservation.
So, God is Love, and what awaits each one of you as you acknowledge that, indeed, your attempts to be independent constitute a denial of the Father, will help you move through the ego's suggestion that such an abominable thing requires punishment, and that therefore you cannot expect to wake up scot-free. You must understand that there is no penalty for delusion, aside from the limit experienced while the delusion is indulged in. And that is not a punishment from God. It is just an inherent condition of believing that a partial view is the total view of Reality.
Of course you must understand that God is Love, and that, indeed, as I said, Love is the substance of every single thing that exists; that you are embraced, surrounded by, imbued with the Love that God is, and there is no justification for not letting It in. No matter what the ego says, there is no justification for not letting It in.
The ego very clearly says that if you open up to the Father and let in his love, you will get a smack on the hands. The ego says the Father is a stern Father, strict, unyielding.
The ego has extracted the uttermost farthing of your Good from you. The Father will not extract the uttermost farthing of payment for your fault, for your sin. It's the ego that costs! Your divinity is free. It's inseparable from God's Self-expression, which is What you Are.
What you long for, what you yearn for, as I said earlier, is the simple experience of your Integrity, your cohesiveness, your inseparability, your indivisibility. So, what you call a longing is really the penetration into your dream of your divine Sanity.
It is inevitable, as long as you are thinking that you are an ego, that you will fear that you will not be loved, because the ego has a very "tenuous" existence, because it is an assumption to Presence -- nothing claiming to be something -- and it knows that it will be found out. It knows that its nothingness will become clearly apparent. And what is going to uncover its nothingness? The Somethingness of Reality, of your true Identity asserting Itself in the face of nothing by being the only movement there is -- the movement of the Father.
So, how do you get rid of your loneliness? By not denying your divinity. By not energizing the false identification of yourself which the ego suggests to you is your identity -- which I have referred to as "personality," and asking, as I said, "What is Truth here?" And then letting It in.
That is, as I said, the act of Love that replaces the hate that caused the separation, and opens your eyes to the truth of you, and me, and everything.
It is one thing to say, "God is Love." It is another thing to become undefended against It and let It in, because when you let It in, It will move you, and change you. To say, "God is Love," will not necessarily inspire you to let that Love in. You have to come to a point where you will lower that defense that keeps the experience out!
There are women, and there are men, who say, "I want to get married." "I am ready to be married." But they don't give permission to let in the dynamic of a relationship that will cause change. So, the desire has to be there, and permission must be given.
The acknowledgment of God as Love must be there, and permission for It to fill you must be given. You can look at a leaf and acknowledge, "this must be a divine manifestation." But until you give permission to let it in, until you are not so busy with other ego "stuff" and give yourself the time for the truth of it to register with you, it will just be words -- right words, better words than that "it is a material world and that it is a form of matter that has nothing to do with God." But until you become receptive enough, yielding enough to let it in, the experience of its divinity will elude you further.
You see, you not only must say, "May I have an apple?" You must extend your hand so the apple may be put in it. You must extend yourself in the sense of lowering the defense that makes it impossible for you to receive the true experience of Life -- the true experience of the unity of All that makes the concept of loneliness absurd.
The great problem with loneliness is that it does not take all the facts into consideration. It is defined by means of what is happening after the initial act of withdrawal "to get even." It ignores that, covers it up, and says, "I want so much to be loved, but nobody loves me." Having covered up the fact that an aggressive act of hate and separation has occurred which keeps people away, it makes it seem totally reasonable that this pitiful, lonely one should feel rightfully hurt and worthy of special attention.
It appears that here is one who wants to love and wants to be loved. But, that one has covered up a decision to hate and get even. And until that is uncovered and looked at and released, that one will not find the world flooding in with all the warmth and all the meaningfulness that is there to be experienced.
This is a hard lesson -- one not easy to look at, but one which needs to be looked at. And, as I said before, the apparently justifiable penalty for such an "awful" thing, must be seen as part and parcel of the ego's illusion, and not actual, divinely speaking. I will tell you that the Father rejoices at your clarity, and your increasing experience of your Integrity, and you are supported in your increasing clarity the moment the Willingness is there to experience it.
QUESTION: Something happened last night. I guess I fell asleep, and shortly after that I had a fairly lucid dream. It was quite a wonderful and pleasant dream until out of nowhere, a being showed up dressed completely in bandages, like an Egyptian mummy, and proceeded to beat me up and instructed me to stay away from a certain person.
I woke up instantly, lying in the bed with really strong feelings of fear, and I asked, "What is it I can learn from this?" What I got was something to do around the idea that I can't have what I want. I've been feeling quite disturbed ever since, because something tells me I can have what I want, whatever it is, and that the symbolism in the dream was just to bring that to my attention.
RAJ: The experience you had was an uncovering of the primary issue that you are having to deal with, which is "giving yourself permission to have what it is your birthright to have, rather than giving the word that you cannot have what you want."
Now, at the bottom line, it is not a matter of not being able to have ego wants. You see, the suggestion is that you cannot have your birthright ... and you are bound to have it. You have no choice but to ultimately have it! And the purpose of this workshop, the purpose of our communication, is to substantiate for you the fact that you can have it and that the ultimate potential is the present potential, and only requires your giving it permission.
Now, the dream, which was elicited by the healing session, and which uncovered what needed to be attended to next, as I indicated the likelihood would be, has given you direction. You are faced with having to release the tendency, the habit, of arguing against your fulfillment by believing the ego's suggestions that you cannot have it.
I picked on you for a reason, because this subject needed to be addressed further for the whole group.
I will tell you something. There is a picture on the wall in Paul's room of a saint looking up at a dove in a prayerful and divine attitude. And there is, alongside the picture, the word "yes."
I want to redefine prayer to everyone. You think of prayer as a petition to the Father to give you something that you feel you truly need for your well being. But when you pray, the meaning that needs to come from you is, yes. "Yes, to you, God. Thy Will be done. And I will not resist it."
The human condition is the result of saying no. When you are giving permission to enjoy your abundance, to enjoy your peace, to experience your Integrity, to be free of fear, you are saying yes to Reality. You are saying yes to the Father. You don't have to ask for this or that. You need to be like the children on Halloween who hold up their bags for "whatever the Father might have to give you." The children say, "yes." And nowadays there are a few arrogant ones who say, "Do you have a Hershey bar?" "Oh, you mean you don't have this or that?" But the true spirit of this ritual on Halloween lies in the trust and the joy of the process of saying "Fill me up," without delineating what you are to be filled up with.
When you are yielding to the Father, when you are saying, "not my will, but Thine be done," you are saying yes to the influx of your clearer awareness of your divinity, of your true Sonship and Daughtership. You are saying yes to the experience of fulfillment in whatever language of expression is appropriate to you at the moment under the circumstances, wherever you are in your awakening process.
You see, it started out as, "Dad, I don't want that. I want to get what I want." But, in that act of separation, in that act of independence, a twist occurred that you didn't expect, and now, not wanting what the Father has, becomes, "I can't have what the Father has." "I want it, but I can't have it. I don't deserve it." And so I am reminding you that you deserve it, and that the twist that has occurred is not binding. You are not stuck.
Be very alert. Recognize when you are setting limits -- "I can't expect things to go well." "It's not reasonable to think that there will be harmony in this meeting I have to attend tomorrow."
Why not be radical! Why not look at that meeting tomorrow and in your mind's eye acknowledge that the ones around the table are Christs, whether sleeping or not, and that whether at a conscious level they are aware of their divinity, at the bottom line their divinity is governing. At least with that attitude, you have joined with what is true about those individuals. And if you will stay with that perspective during the meeting, you will not be fooled by any ego expressions that occur, and you will not be as reactive, and you are likely to find that the meeting will go quite well.
But watch the way you attempt to hold your experience in a miserable state by expecting the worst, and by finding it unreasonable to give permission for the best to happen. And then reverse the act of "limiting" by acknowledging the Truth.
Yet, how are you going to acknowledge the Truth, if you don't know what the Truth is? And so you have to ask, "What is the Truth, here?" And listen. It is not that hidden from you. And then proceed as though the Truth were true, instead of a pipe-dream, or instead of "something wonderful" at another "level" of existence.
If you are suffering from a disease or a physical problem and the suggestion is made, as though it were your thought, "I'm just going to have to make the best of this. I can't really expect more." Be alert and catch that thought and correct it with the Truth.
We have talked at some length this weekend about what the body is, that it is divine and that it is not illusion, that disease is illusion and illusion cannot find a secure foothold in the presence of Reality, and that, indeed, Reality constitutes the absence of illusion. Therefore you can expect to see it disappear, no matter what your local gods called "doctors" say.
Say "yes," even though you don't know what you're saying yes to -- and watch it! The ego will want to put conditions on the "yes."
Say "yes," and instead of holding the candy bag up to be filled, hold yourself up to be filled.
"Fill me today with all Thou art. I don't want to continue trying to maintain this presence of a personality any longer. Fill me with the Light and reveal Me to me. Reveal Yourself to me, in me, as Me, and exalt my poor perception of myself into its primitive and natural state of divinity."
Saying "yes" to God, saying "yes" to your Good, is saying "yes" to your Self.
As I said, the one thing the ego cannot defend itself against is disregard. And when you are saying "yes" to God, or "yes" to your Self, you are disregarding the ego. You are not even honoring it enough to say, "no" to the ego.
One word -- "yes!" Give permission, and you will be filled, because your Being is insisting upon penetrating the shell of the ego structures and reestablishing the Integrity of the Totality of Who You Are, because that is Who You Are, and that is what has Presence and is not an assumption to Presence. Say "Yes."
The First Lady of the United States has a campaign that says, "Say no ... to drugs." Let your campaign message be, "Say yes ... to God," knowing that that means saying yes to your divine Being. That is the prayer.
Conversations with Raj is made up of actual questions and answers drawn, with permission, from private conversations with Raj and public Workshops. Rajpur, an Ascended Master, is an Individuality making himself known by means of conscious channeling through Paul Norman Tuttle for the purpose of facilitating the major shift of consciousness which mankind is entering into.
Conversations with Raj is published monthly by ESTAR Foundation, 1221 Toledo St., Bellingham, WA 98226. Phone: 206-734-4418. Subscription price, prepaid, one year $36.00; single copy $3.00. Copyright Ó 1988 by ESTAR Foundation. All rights reserved.